420 ftw
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
