I am spending my child support on dildos
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
