I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
