is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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