This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Did I show you my penis last night?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
