I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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