he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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