I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
