He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
