Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
