You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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