So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
