its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
