And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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