Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
