I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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