i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
