Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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