I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
