Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
