Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
