mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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