he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
