Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
