sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
