I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I can't turn off my feet"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
