i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
