omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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