areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
