In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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