Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
