I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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