apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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