I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
