Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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