Even the bartender felt bad for me
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
