martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
