I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
