Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
