Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
