Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
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My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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