You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
