There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
