Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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