Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
