turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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