I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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