And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
