just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
