I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You took a bar mat shot.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
