i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
