I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
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I can feel the alcohol in my calves
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far