either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC