Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
