you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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